Polite online dating rejection
As over the top as this might sound, that fear of exile is manifests when we think of asking somebody out.
Part of why approach anxiety is so insidious is because we worry that we’re going to screw up so badly that everyone will hear about it.
The thing with rejections is that if you send them really quickly, people often feel stung — like you couldn’t possibly have given them sufficient consideration or you thought they were such a terrible candidate that you barely needed to think about them in order to know they would suck in the job. You often know pretty quickly whether to move a candidate forward in your process or not.
Sometimes you can tell in 30 seconds from looking over a person’s application materials (not necessarily because they’re terrible, but just because they don’t have the background you’re looking for, or they’re okay but not great compared to other candidates, or other things that don’t take days of pondering to figure out).
more often than not, that never reaches into the top ten reasons why you got turned down.
When it comes to approaching strangers, it likely that you’re just the 10th guy to try to talk to her and she’s exhausted by it. Or she’s just out looking to spend time with friends.
Often you know by the time you hang up from a phone interview that the person isn’t going to move forward (again, not necessarily because they’re terrible, but because they’re just not quite what you’re looking for or they’re not competitive with stronger candidates).
And while it can be difficult to face your fears, part of what helps makes them less all-consuming is to of the pain of being rejected – registers as actual pain.
When you couple this with the inherent negativity bias that ensures we feel negative stimuli stronger and more profoundly than positive ones – we dedicate more of our emotional and mental bandwidth to the possibility of getting hurt.
So much so that we start to fear it before we’ve anything.
We work together as a group because the group maximizes the ability of the individual to survive – from protection to simple sharing of food and resources.
As a result, we’re extremely conscious of signs that our relationship within the group is in danger; in the past, getting thrown out of the group was a de-facto death sentence.